Thoughts Of A Narcissist
So, I passionately believe that a lot of our time is spent considering identity. Our identity. The identity of ones self. And I believe we approach it in two ways. One: we look at people and see what we would like to become. These people are usually celebrities, athletes, artists, and entrepreneurs. Sometimes TV characters if you have an unhealthy understanding of the world and think a fictional persona can be as full and well rounded as a real person. But that’s what we do. We see the characteristics of a person and want to exude those. To be in that “category”.
Two: The other thing we do, when we’re not looking at all the people we wish we could become and could be: is noticing the people we would rather avoid becoming. This takes up the most of our time. And it’s way easier. And far more debilitating. Because the thing you fear becoming seems so much closer and likelier than the things you’re so confident you could become. And what’s even worse: the people who exude the qualities you so desperately wish to avoid — don’t seem to even notice they’re there. They’re just blissfully ignorant of all your scorn, and distaste (I mean, unless you’re like me and make a point of telling everyone your honest opinion to the point that people see you as some sort of sadistic psychopath).
So you’ll never know if you’re the thing you fear becoming but you’ll also never feel like you’re the thing you want to be. Because those two things will always exist inside of you. Part of your spectrum of taste. They’re your metrics. But no one else sees or feels them other than you — because they are not real (no realer than you… okay enough of that). You can’t beat them and you never will.